Don’t be tempted by the shiny apple

ūüėČ –¬†Hunger only for a world of truth

I did a favor for a friend the other day and in the process heard something that’s been buzzng around in my head since.

My friend’s youngest was sick and she asked me to pick her oldest up from pre-school. No prob. I ran into a couple friends from knitting we chatted a bit while we waited till school was over. In the last few minutes, as kids and parents were filing out, i heard one Mom ask another if she was looking forward to her child going on to kindergarten next year. Reasonable question that. Its the answer that floored me.

“Yes! I can finally begin to put back together the shattered pieces of my life.”

Seriously? Seriously!

OK. Maybe it was meant in jest but it had such a ring of truth and desperation to it that I was sad and angry at the same time. Then the boy was ready to go home and I packed my thoughts away till I’d have a time to really chew on them.

Well chew I have. I actually allowed myself to consider a sympathetic and dissenting argument.

On the sympathetic side, she was older so maybe she was really set in her ways, I don’t know if she has older/more kids and this is some swiftly approaching endpoint for her, I don’t know the state of her current partner relationship having to juggle multiple/separate homes can really mess with your life, maybe she’s had a schizophrenic multipersonality break and is actually not the same woman who gave birth to the child.

Yeah, sorry, sympathetic loses.

How can you really think that children have broken your life? Man, I DO NOT have the easiest time with my kids and I absolutely treasure my alone time but nothing about my life broke because of my kids, if anything my weaknesses have strengthened – because I can’t get whipsnap psycho mad at a child, I can’t swear at them (and get the kind of reaction I’m looking for if I’m employing the F word in a madness induced rant so what’s the point), I can’t ignore them for days on end, I can’t just leave, I can’t drink them away. My kids have made me better, stronger, everything. I have the care and keeping of 4 lives in my hands each day and I made two of them – I made 2 people, I’m still helping to make them, helping them become…whatever they will be. Sure I get angry with my kids sometimes, exasperated, frustrated, completely flummoxed and fucking bewildered but those are not the majority of my experiences with my kids.

All I can think of is the stories of the worst customers in the world from back in my retail sales days, you always remember the truly horrible customers, you never remember the great ones or the 1000’s of average mediocre ones. If all you ever do is talk about and remember the bad experiences then you have a tendency to forget that they are a fraction of your actual experiences and you begin to give the hairy eyeball to each person that walks in the door because you have convinced yourself that they are all assholes. You have to let it go.

Now, in truth, you cannot know what it is to have the raising of a child until you actually do it and it is HARD but HOW HOW HOW can you resent in any way a being that was YOUR CHOICE to bring into existence?!?! That child that broke your life? YOU MADE IT! YOU BROUGHT IT HERE! YOU!

If your life is shit, thats on you not your child. How dare you. How dare you.


Things you may not have known about me: I swear like a trucker

¬†– rant done. You know I don’t bitch too often so thanks for sticking with me.


Want pretty pictures and crafty goodness? me too.


See, while I was chewing I was working too. Cowl and fingerless mitts that will pass on to someone this holiday ūüėČ



a moment of silence

I just wanted to say a heartfelt thanks to those of you that called, stopped and e-mailed to see how I was yesterday.

A 2 year-old child was struck and killed by a school bus in my work district yesterday morning. 

I DO NOT want to imagine what the family and the driver are going through. Though we drove in the same district I did not know the driver personally but I am heartbroken for all involved.

never, never, never, never

I think It would be hard for me to identify a time when i was more ashamed of being a woman than I am right now, listening to Sarah Palin – blaahaaaaah – bleat out her sheeple, regurgitated-republican puke.

I think I may actually be physically sick.

* I typed out a whole lot more as I listened to her read the speech that someone wrote for her and I just… its too much. Its all so, so wrong. I’m so angry and disgusted that anyone could say these things and that anyone could believe them*

Crap. I have to get up in 6 hours and my brain is on fire.

Can I kick it?

ūüėČ – Wipe your feet really good on the rhythm rug


Yesterday I was working on this

When we packed everything up to head off to the fireworks…I left it out side

See the small white blob in the orange square? that’s my yarn, needles and pattern sitting in the rain.


Now I have to go carefully unravel what I have done, wind it all back up on the swift and hope it will dry out OK so I can try again.

Hey, cheer me up! – how was your 4th day of July?


What is it worth?


Our five -year old is a thief. (* Edit)

I drink coffee in the morning and because I don’t want to kill the children I pick up on the bus with my dragon breath I chew gum. Last Saturday morning I woke up to both my children giving me sweet, berry scented hugs.

“Why do you smell like that?”

“Well, because Saebra got some of your gum and gave it to me. She said it was OK.”

“So now the word of a 5 year-old is law?”

“She said it was OK!”

“Saebra, where did you get the gum?”

“From your purse.”

“Did you ask if you could have that gum?”

“No. I just wanted it, and I wanted sissy to have some, too.”

Then we had a nice long talk about how bad stealing was, we reminded them of the Golden Rule, reiterated the extreme badness of stealing, dealt with, what we thought at the time, were tears of guilt and reassurances that we were understood and we went along our day.

On Monday a letter came home from school. Saebra had stolen a pack of gum out of the backpack of her only real friend. This friend had shared a piece with her at recess and when they came back into the classroom Seabra liberated the rest of the pack from her friend and put it in her own bag, because she knew she would want more, “It was SO good Mama!”, and because she thought her sister would like some. She got caught waiting in bus line because she could not wait to get home to take it out of her own bag and her friend saw her holding it and told the teacher.

She wrote a letter of apology to her friend – a saint of a girl who has totally forgiven Saebra and continues to be her friend – and her punishments were decided.

For the next 14 days she has no computer time, she may not watch any movies, she is confined to her room when she is home and she had to give up a sleep over at my Mom’s house that was scheduled during that time. We dealt with many many, what we thought at the time, tears of guilt, reminded her how horribly bad stealing was and the Golden Rule and sent her off to her room to begin her sentence.

(Thursday and Friday of this week they were not in school. Thursday was jampacked with dentist appts and my nephew’s birthday and yesterday was Good Friday but I had to work, so they had been with me for the last 48 hours. They were not good during this time. There was much sassing, there was much breaking of the rules while on my bus – no standing, no roughhousing, no yelling, no throwing objects…yada yada yada. They are currently restricted to their beds on a “no talking unless you are asked a question” rule till tomorrow)

This morning I woke up to Saebra’s lovely minty fresh breath. It’s not from toothpaste.

I feel like a horrible mother.

* I was handed this a bit ago


translated by her sister 


In my mind’s eye…


We had friends over for dinner tonight – Yay!

Goulash, salad, garlic bread and the simplest dessert – Jell-o poke cake.


I’m not sure I’ve ever had this before on my life but when we decided to invite our friends over I started thinking about what I could make, sweets wise, with what I already had in the house. I had stuff to make cake and I had jell-o. Simple choice, really.

Wanna make one? Bake a cake, poke some holes in the top and pour hot jell-o all over it, chill and cover in whipped cream. I’m totally making this again. It might become my “thing”. Maybe. I’ll have to make one for my sister to try. She’ll let me know if it can be my thing or not. She’s good like that.

Right now Patrick is making popcorn and I’ve paused the movie we’re watching while he does. This way he doesn’t miss too much but really its because I need a break from this one. We’re watching Donnie Darko. I’m Ok with the cast and I love the soundtrack, I’m down with pretty much the whole movie…except for Frank. You all know about my fear of penguins but I also have issues with rabbits. Not bunnies – those are cute – I’m talking about rabbits. Probably goes back to watching the animated version of Watership Down when I was too young. Someday you can ask my Mom about the demonic rabbit figurines that I made her keep in her closet. Gives me the creeps just thinking about them.

* movie done – good view. rabbit issues were semi resolved. the imagery still wicked bothers me though. Its a mad world.


Where Have All the Flowers Gone

It’s hard to find the right words but, I think, this makes me glad.

On days like that I am proud to be a UMass Amherst student,

they booed for over 2 minutes.

At the same time I am ashamed to be part of a University that would

consider giving any honor to that man and even in the face of large

campus wide, faculty and student protests, defend their decision.