Turn into something beautiful


I struggle with my kids sometimes.

I’m pretty damned laid back. It takes a literal ton of shit to piss me off, or it used to. Patrick and I were married for almost 6 years before Aurelia was born and in that whole time I don’t think he ever saw me mad. Sure there were times I was angry and frustrated at/with him but never mad, and I use the word mad because it implies a bit of insanity (someday I’ll tell you about the Lobster dinner). So upset that I shake, I snap, I feel like I’m burning inside. I felt like that a lot as a teenager. Hormones? Burgeoning independence? Fear of being out on my own and desperately wanting it at the same time? Who knows. I do know that I had a good 10 year run when I only felt like that once. Not so much since then.

I grapple with my inner “angry Mom” every day, its usually the same fight. Most of the time me and sanity win.

Daddy, I’m sorry. I never understood what you were talking about when you would use that word. I never understood just how much it bothered you. I do now, I bet Eliza does too.

My kids BICKER!

Over everything. Everything. It worms its way into my head and wakes up the “angry Mom”, its hard to put her back to bed, but I’m getting better. I can’t stand between them and tell them to work it out for the rest of their lives and I also can’t keep them locked up in their room with a silence punishment either. Thankfully warmer weather has arrived and I can at least put some distance between me and the ear piercing natterings that are my children’s constant little arguments. It helps. Now they only call for me when they really can’t resolve their problem, and mostly before they have resorted to blows (though this may be helped by Aurelia’s injury and Saebra’s knowledge that making that injury worse would bring a pile of punishment down on her, hmm)

Deep, spring scented breaths. I do truly treasure my alone time each mid-day, it helps me recharge my bicker battery. I’m hoping that the good weather will hold out and my kids and I will survive next week and come out whole on the other side – it’s school vacation. I think we will. Really, this is just a small part of my relationship with the girls, so small but when its closer, more immediate, it seems so much bigger.

I was contemplating all of this yesterday while cleaning up in the kitchen and I found the bit of artwork above. It’s Saebra’s version of forsythia, not a plant we have in out yard. Maybe we should. Maybe next week we’ll plant some yellow flowering bushes together so we can remember that time together each spring when they bloom.



5 thoughts on “Turn into something beautiful

  1. I struggle with that same thing. My kids are two weeks away from 8 and 6 years old. I’m not an angry person when I’m alone, but yesterday I had a major tantrum when my husband made it home. Shaking and stomping and shouting. Argh. When the fury has subsided I feel overwhelmed with remorse. Sorry doesn’t cut it. Usually I say something like ‘that didn’t go the way I wanted it to’ or ‘I wish I had dealt with my feelings differently’ because I realize I’m a terrible model for anger management. Ugh. What a feeling. But I know that our love is deep and sincere, contrite remorse is meaninful if the feeling is true. Best wishes – Leah

  2. I don’t have children, but I think I sort of know what you mean. Bringing Hank into our lives disrupted my quiet little world and when he’d do something puppy-ish, I was really quite unsettled at how I could react. I’ve become a yeller, which I never thought I would be. Last weekend was particularly trying for Hank, and he acted out a couple of times, and I lost my mind and was left a little bewildered at my reaction afterwards. I know that dogs and children are two completely different ball games, but it has given me pause about what my temperment might be like with little ones in the house, should there ever be any.

  3. Mine ganged up on me. It was them against me. It wasn’t until they were like 8&10 that things exploded and they got all bickering and annoying. Right up till then it was a team mom-assault, all day, every day.

  4. Oh, Sara, you know so well that this resonates well with me! There are days, and A LOT of them, where I avoid contact with other people because I just don’t believe they understand what I’m going through. I get so resentful with my husband because he gets to leave and go to work. No one seems to recognize that this gig, the mothering gig, is the MOST difficult work one could do!!! It’s lonely, emotionally exhausting, constant, and pay-less! I feel like someone comes through the screen and hugs me when I read of similar experiences with children. It’s almost the only time I feel a part of the rest of the world.

  5. Ah don’t fear, there is life AFTER kids too! They might still bicker when they’re all grown up, but not always in front of you. Yippy. I can stay out of it (I have 3 kids) by saying, “I wasn’t there, so you have to take care of it yourself. But remember, he/she will be the only sister/brother you will ever have.” They resolve the matter on their own. Hang in there.


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