Don’t be tempted by the shiny apple

;) – Hunger only for a world of truth

I did a favor for a friend the other day and in the process heard something that’s been buzzng around in my head since.

My friend’s youngest was sick and she asked me to pick her oldest up from pre-school. No prob. I ran into a couple friends from knitting we chatted a bit while we waited till school was over. In the last few minutes, as kids and parents were filing out, i heard one Mom ask another if she was looking forward to her child going on to kindergarten next year. Reasonable question that. Its the answer that floored me.

“Yes! I can finally begin to put back together the shattered pieces of my life.”

Seriously? Seriously!

OK. Maybe it was meant in jest but it had such a ring of truth and desperation to it that I was sad and angry at the same time. Then the boy was ready to go home and I packed my thoughts away till I’d have a time to really chew on them.

Well chew I have. I actually allowed myself to consider a sympathetic and dissenting argument.

On the sympathetic side, she was older so maybe she was really set in her ways, I don’t know if she has older/more kids and this is some swiftly approaching endpoint for her, I don’t know the state of her current partner relationship having to juggle multiple/separate homes can really mess with your life, maybe she’s had a schizophrenic multipersonality break and is actually not the same woman who gave birth to the child.

Yeah, sorry, sympathetic loses.

How can you really think that children have broken your life? Man, I DO NOT have the easiest time with my kids and I absolutely treasure my alone time but nothing about my life broke because of my kids, if anything my weaknesses have strengthened – because I can’t get whipsnap psycho mad at a child, I can’t swear at them (and get the kind of reaction I’m looking for if I’m employing the F word in a madness induced rant so what’s the point), I can’t ignore them for days on end, I can’t just leave, I can’t drink them away. My kids have made me better, stronger, everything. I have the care and keeping of 4 lives in my hands each day and I made two of them – I made 2 people, I’m still helping to make them, helping them become…whatever they will be. Sure I get angry with my kids sometimes, exasperated, frustrated, completely flummoxed and fucking bewildered but those are not the majority of my experiences with my kids.

All I can think of is the stories of the worst customers in the world from back in my retail sales days, you always remember the truly horrible customers, you never remember the great ones or the 1000’s of average mediocre ones. If all you ever do is talk about and remember the bad experiences then you have a tendency to forget that they are a fraction of your actual experiences and you begin to give the hairy eyeball to each person that walks in the door because you have convinced yourself that they are all assholes. You have to let it go.

Now, in truth, you cannot know what it is to have the raising of a child until you actually do it and it is HARD but HOW HOW HOW can you resent in any way a being that was YOUR CHOICE to bring into existence?!?! That child that broke your life? YOU MADE IT! YOU BROUGHT IT HERE! YOU!

If your life is shit, thats on you not your child. How dare you. How dare you.

 

Things you may not have known about me: I swear like a trucker

 – rant done. You know I don’t bitch too often so thanks for sticking with me.

 

Want pretty pictures and crafty goodness? me too.

rp-cowl1rp-mitt-back

See, while I was chewing I was working too. Cowl and fingerless mitts that will pass on to someone this holiday ;)

Toots

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12 thoughts on “Don’t be tempted by the shiny apple

  1. You are so right to be angry! That is a horrible way to look at one’s children.

    Kids are saavy too, I can’t imagine the weird psychological crap this child has to put up with from it’s mother. So sad! I want to go rescue this child now…

  2. She was being sarcastic…Maybe she just had a bad morning…And, she probably doesn’t knit through her issues like we do. Unless she wasn’t. Then I agree with you.

  3. Maybe she was being ironic/sarcastic? That doesn’t sound like a typical harried Mom “Gosh darn, these kids are a handful” type of statement. Maybe she has had a lot of really hard stuff to deal with? Like a loved one dying of cancer and needing lots of care, a husband who walked out on her for another woman. Without having seen/heard her, it’s hard to know. I feel bad for her, whatever her circumstances are. Sounds like some serious pain was behind her words.

  4. Although her remark is/was just awful, I sincerely hope she meant it in jest. If not, there are two people out there who are seriously in pain…one who is definitely in need of help, and who should do something about it, and another more helpless and innocent victim.
    On a lighter note, the cowl and mitt are beautiful. I love that color.

  5. Thanks for writing this post. I have a similar story, but it’s been niggling at me for over 7 years now. When I was in hospital just after my daughter was born, my BIL & SIL and their then 2yo daughter came in to visit. They brought a big tub of fabulous stuff for us, but right at the bottom was a large ziplock bag, and on it my BIL had written something to the effect of “Put your life in here and seal it up for the next 18 years”. The implication was that I wouldn’t have a life until the kids were grown up – and I don’t understand that at all. They are a huge part of my life, but it’s still MY life. But that’s his attitude – his kids are an inconvenience – and even if he doesn’t *really* mean it, it’s not a nice message to be giving out all the time. I’ve occasionally caught my husband slipping into it, so I don’t know if it’s something that’s been passed on in their family, but I won’t stand for it, so hopefully the attitude stops here.

    And yes – the green is lovely :)

  6. I love the set you posted. I can’t wait to see it in the ‘fancy’ yarn option :D

    As for this lady, I try not to judge people on passing comments, but this one is pretty hard to ignore. Let’s hope she doesn’t talk like this in front of her kids.

  7. My mom never liked it when school vacation or summer was over and we went back to school, and I love her for it. My parents waited eight years before they had me, and then over two years after me before they had my sister. They took the time to decide whether or not they wanted children. They’ve never made me feel like I’ve ruined their life, and I know I’m biased, but I think they are the greatest parents in the world!

    Like has been said before, I hope she doesn’t say stuff like that in front of her kids. I know a mom who has said stuff like that in front of her kids…kids I love very very much and it kills me a little bit inside every time I hear her say something like that.

  8. Wow, that’s an unfortunate comment. Especially to be spoken in public. I’ve never quite understood people who intentionally set out to do things, like have, oh, I dunno, children for example, and then do nothing but complain. I’m sorry she feels that way, whether it just be that day, that moment, or even as fodder for a nasty remark.

    I can’t fathom how this little bean of mine, still incubating and under construction will change my life in all the variety of ways, but I do know that I am excited and as one of your commenters already stated, it’s still MY life, of which this is a blessed and very much wanted part. I’m sure there will be days, but still…you have to be very careful of your intention. I think that’s more powerful than your words most of the time.

    It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who swears like a trucker too.

  9. I hope to God she was being sarcastic. Although I have heard similar comments from mothers who seemed to not grasp, prior to reproducing, that the little spawn they’d managed to create are not accessories but actual individuals. And, perhaps, that there’s more to the whole “parenting” thing than sitcom sound-bites and kodak moments? You know the drill; snotty attitudes, puking at 2am all over your silk jammies, saying “fork” in a manner that sounds a great deal like a slang term for copulation that I am not sure WordPress will let me post while at your Super-Catholic mother-in-law’s Thanksgiving dinner. That sort of thing. I won’t bore you with the continued list or ER visits, dimes in diapers that you never saw anyone swallow, poop-smeared walls, temper tantrums, sibling rivalry. Or maybe I shall.

    So much for my little staccato bursts, eh?? Get me on this one, and you’ll get whole fucking paragraphs.

    I could not wait for my kids to grow. From the moment they were handed to me all squirmy and gooey and still half-blue, I could not wait to put them on my breast, teach them to walk, watch them put a sour pickle to their lips for the very first time. Because every morning, every moment, every crappy, rainy, stuck inside home-schooling, “get in there and do your damn math” day meant another moment to learn from them and with them, to watch them mature into adults with jobs and babies and lives. But then I was rearing people, not houseplants or pets.

    Now maybe my perspective is obscured by my natural child-rearing ways. Maybe my whole approach to parenting leaves me feeling very, very differently about kids and mothering than the average woman. But, in a nutshell, if you joined the club for the t-shirt and the mommy whine-and-cheese social hour, get a life. Or at least get out of the way so your kid can have one. Kid can come live here. There’s chickens, dogs, dirt, and places to live and love in.

  10. I may be in the minority here, but I feel truly bad for that woman. I obviously can’t hear the tone she said it in, but I’d like to think that she hasn’t been able to focus on herself while raising a child and really needs time to do so. Maybe she said it with a smile or in an offhand way, but maybe that was her cover for meaning it. I can certainly imagine running around working and trying to raise a child (children) and cook dinner and make sure that no one pokes their eye out and never feeling you have time to take care of yourself, physically and mentally. I can imagine going for years without dealing with some kind of pyschological problem and that the rest of the world imagines that you’re handling everything just fine, when inside you are really just shattered.

    I hope that her child didn’t hear her say that. I believe that she didn’t mean that it was the fault of the child, just the circumstances of having a child. That would be a horrifying thing for a child to hear.

    Having been waiting for FOUR YEARS to go to a doctor and take care of myself – to be diagnosed with PMSD and get on some medicine, to having to wade through too many panic attacks and arguments and feelings of deep depression because I moved out of my parents house and didn’t have insurance. Because I loved someone with all my might and I could no longer afford things that other people consider necessities and I consider “maybe… somedays”, while the rest of the world thought I was so put together and on top of it, I can imagine those feelings. And I do not blame my husband for not having the money. I do not resent him for that at all. It’s the circumstances I chose to live with because I wanted to be with him more and needed that more.

    So I can really see where this woman is coming from. And I hope that she gets the help that she clearly needs.

  11. boy that is powerful stuff!- I really hope that woman meant what she said in a different way than it seems!! BUT even if it was in “jest” etc., it is very troublesome!! I pray that her child/children are not hearing this stuff!!–your girls are so incredibly lucky to have you–(of course patrick too!) I am sure they will grow up to be two wonderful, successful, and pleasant girls with all the love, guidance and support that you give!!—You go girl!!!!! :) I think we all get a little “trucker mouthed” especially when we are passionate about what we speak!!—I just love reading your “insights”! —Your projects are amazing!—I LOVE the cowel—it is beautiful!!– I wish I could knit, so that I could make one!! I am a rookie at crochet.–I too love the color!! keep it up!!! :)

  12. Oh come on….. we all know deep down inside that yes, we love our children but our lives are just not what they used to be. She was just saying what she feels and we certainly should not crucify her for it. She feels helpless. Maybe someone should listen to her without prejudice. We give so much of ourselves to our children, we also need to be listened to sometimes, like it or not.

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